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When you’re expecting another baby, the initial excitement can soon give way to a wave of worrying thoughts:

“I hope I can love this new baby as much as I love my first” is a common one.

“Will I end up loving my first any less?”

And, of course: “We’re good now—are we screwing things up by bringing someone else into the mix?”

As a result, there’s a lot of emotional weight riding on the first meeting between your older child and the new baby, as well as on those early weeks at home.

Following these tips can prepare your child for the new baby and help to make the introduction of the new sibling go as smoothly as possible.

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PREPARATION

When you were pregnant the first time, you probably did a lot of reading about pregnancy and even got weekly emails comparing your baby to various fruit.

Chances are, you won’t be doing quite as much of that this time around. Your firstborn, however, hasn’t been through any of this before, so she’ll appreciate a little prep in the weeks and months before the baby comes along.

While how much your child understands will depend on her age, the tips below can be tailored for just about any age.

1. Use the power of books

Life with a new baby isn’t going to be “real” for your child until that baby arrives. Still, seeing examples of what to expect can help, and there are many books designed to do just that.

My favorites are I’m a Big Sister  and I’m a Big Brother  by Joanna Cole. These books outline what life with a baby is like, what they can and can’t do (babies are “too little to eat ice cream”), and why being a big sibling is so special.

If you’d like to go into even more detail—but in a kid-friendly way—Hello Baby! presents more nuanced information, like development in the womb, nursing, and even the umbilical cord stump.

Each of these books and others not only introduces your child to the concepts of a new baby and being a big sibling, they’ll also get your child more used to these ideas the more you read them.

2. Give your child some ownership over new baby prep

Letting your child get involved in preparing for the new baby can help him feel both proud and included.

If the baby is going to be in a different room, then let your child help pick out the lamp or something else to decorate the new baby’s room. If the baby will be in your room or the same room as your firstborn, then help your child come up with his own contribution to making the baby’s space special.

3. …but watch for “ownership” over the crib

If your child is still in a crib, then keep in mind that there is a lot of comfort and habit tied to that. Telling him that he has to give it to the new baby is a sure way to spark some resentment and jealousy, even if it’s only short-lived.

If the new baby is going to use your child’s crib, then make sure that you transition your child out of it a few months beforehand. This will make it seem less like the baby is “taking” it, and will ensure that your child has had time to fall in love with his new bed well before the baby arrives.

If your oldest will still need to be in the crib when the baby comes, then there are two options. The first is to get a second crib, although finances and space might not make this feasible for many parents. The second option is to make sure that when it finally is time to give the crib to the baby, be sure to warmly emphasize that your oldest is “so big” and ready for a “big girl” or ‘big boy” bed. Talk about it for a few weeks ahead of time so that the idea has time to sink in. Putting the emphasis on your older child’s new milestone—not the transition of the crib to the baby—isn’t perfect, but can help.

4. Start thinking like the baby’s already here

The biggest change a child experiences when a new sibling arrives is a dramatic decrease in his parent’s attention. And the moments where this change hits hardest are those that have become routine—bedtime, bathtime, and mealtime.

Why? Your child is used to getting your undivided attention during each of these activities. Once the baby comes, however, that attention is going to be split between your child and a baby who needs to eat, won’t stop crying, needs to be put to sleep, etc. That undivided, happy attention is no longer undivided, and as a result is at risk for no longer being happy, either.

So, if you have a two-parent family or a second caregiver available, it’s best to start sharing your child’s routines between both caregivers months before the new baby arrives. For example, if the same parent always does bathtime, then you may want to work the other parent in every couple of days so that your child gets used to bathtime without you. Or if both parents are always present for bedtime, then you may want to start alternating parents every other day to introduce the situation of having only one parent at a time present for the bedtime routine.

THE BIG MOMENT

After months of waiting, it’s finally here—the moment your child meets her new little sibling!

There’s a lot of emotion tied to this moment, both for you and your child. Here are a few tips to help it go down smoothly:

1. Remember that your child wants to see YOU, too

Unless you’re delivering at home, it’s likely that you’ve been in the hospital and away from your child for many hours or even a few days. As excited as your child may or may not be about meeting the baby, one thing is for certain: she misses you.

Show your child that you’re excited to see her. If you’re holding the baby when your older child arrives, try to pass the baby to someone else or put the baby in the bassinet so that you can hug and greet your child with your whole self.

Starting off with a warm welcome helps to show her that the one thing that won’t change after all of this is how much you love her.

2. Have a gift ready for your child

Giving your firstborn a gift “from” the baby has long been a tradition among second-time parents. Nowadays, there’s debate about whether it should be from the baby or from you, but either way make sure that there’s something you can give your child.

Why? First off, everyone loves presents, and your child will appreciate that he gets something out of all this hoopla (remember, your child won’t fully understand what getting a sibling means just yet). Plus, new gifts can present their own ways to help in the coming days—as an opportunity for your child to get involved, and as a much-needed distraction.

Puzzles, books, train tracks, and the like are great for occupying your child through lengthy feeding sessions or when you might need a nap. If your family doesn’t have a set yet, then Magnatiles (available here) make a great gift from the grandparents that will keep your child creatively busy for a long time (our family’s set has been played with almost daily for 5 years!)

Gifts like babydolls and baby stuffed animals are great for giving your child his own baby to take care of. Even kids who’ve never shown any maternal or caregiving tendencies will surprise you when there’s a new baby around. I’ve seen plenty of little boys over the years lift up their shirts to nurse a stuffed animal!

3. Be aware of your own emotions

Not only do you want this to be a beautiful moment and your older child to feel comfortable-happy-included-respected-in-love and everything else, you’re likely exhausted yourself and simultaneously slammed with a crashing wave of hormones, dreams, and reality.

It’s like being in an emotional snowglobe!

My wife likes to jokingly tell the story of how within seconds of my daughter holding her little brother for the first time, my wife anxiously blurted out, “He’s going to cry a lot!”

Looking back, she can laugh about how she was herself quite nervous and excited and uncertain, and that there wasn’t really any need to say that right in that very moment. But the worry about how our toddler would handle a new baby combined with a ton of exhaustion, resulting in one awkward moment—albeit one that no one really remembers but my wife.

Take it easy. Try to recognize where you are and what you’re feeling, and know that whatever happens in this moment is unlikely to have any permanent impact on your children’s love for each other.

Which brings us to:

4. Don’t set your sights too high

While we all envision a beautiful moment as our kids meet for the first time, keep your expectations low.

Depending on the age of your oldest, she might have very little interest in the baby, checking him out for a few moments, but being more interested in you or even the hospital room.

My daughter’s favorite memory of when she met her little brother for the first time? That she got to watch a cartoon in the hospital room and eat the brownie from her mom’s meal tray.

ONCE YOU’RE HOME

Ah, now the good stuff! As I’m sure you remember from the first time you had a baby, the real work begins once you get home.

I tend to find that the toughest time for families is when the new baby is one month old. Not only is the baby usually gassy and fussy at that age, that’s also when the lack of sleep has finally started to get to you.

To make matters worse, one month in is usually when the older child starts giving parents a hard time. They’re often fine with the baby—everyone worries about declarations of “take the baby back!”—but kids become more demanding of their parents at this time. By now, it’s fully sunk in that the baby isn’t going anywhere, that being a big sibling doesn’t seem that fun yet since the baby can’t do anything very interesting, and you’re tied down feeding him all the time.

These tips can help:

1. Show your child that she was a baby, too

Bring out the pictures and videos of when your child was a baby. Show her that she was also this small. Maybe show a picture or two that proves that she cried and needed diaper changes, too. Let her know that you fed her all the time and now she’s big and can play—and that if you feed the baby and love him a lot, he’ll get to be big and can play with her.

2. Drop the word “gentle”

Expect that the first several weeks at home will be peppered with moments when your child is a little rough with the baby. But unless he’s in mid-elementary school or older, then he most likely doesn’t fully grasp how delicate a baby is. Not only that, he probably also doesn’t have a good handle on his own body, let alone what it can do to a newborn.

But the trouble with telling him to be “gentle” with the baby is that gentle is a concept—it’s an idea, not something that’s readily understood.

Instead, do this: Tell him to use a “flat hand.” This is something that you can demonstrate—make your hand flat and softly touch the baby as if you were petting a cat—and it’s something that he can copy.

3. Keep routines as normal as you can

You just had a baby, which means that you’re likely going to be home now for the next several weeks (and hopefully longer, as soon as the United States catches up to other civilized countries in the world). So, it might seem like a good idea to save on daycare and keep your child home with you for a little while.

Don’t.

As much as we adults like to think that we love spontaneity, the truth is humans are creatures of habit—and toddlers are ninja masters at craving routine.

You don’t want introducing a new baby to rock your child’s boat more than it needs to. Well, nothing will rock the boat like completely changing up the routines in your child’s life.

If he’s in daycare or preschool, keep him on his usual schedule. Do your best to honor the most important daytime or bedtime routines, too. While it’s impossible to expect everything to stay the same when there’s a baby crying or attached to you, letting your child continue with key familiarities as best you can will help the first few weeks go more smoothly.

4. And the most important: Make alone time & sell it well

The thing that helps most to ensure a smooth transition is to spend as much alone time with your child—and without the baby—as you can. But this is hard to do in the first few weeks when you’re still figuring out life with a newborn.

So what’s the secret?

Actively advertise and “sell” your child on whatever alone time you can offer.

Do you always read a book at bedtime? “Let’s go read a book together, just me and you!”

Going to Target to buy diapers? “Hey, let’s go for a ride in the car, just me and you!”

Your child is likely to notice the moments that you’re busy with the baby. But gently making sure that she also notices the time you do get to focus on her can help to keep some new sibling jealousy at bay.

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Introducing your child to a new baby sibling is a wonderful opportunity to bring even more love into your family.

Like anything else in the life of a parent, there are bound to be ups and downs, as well as doubts and misgivings. But taking care to follow the steps above can help lay the foundations for a beautiful sibling relationship for your kids, and let you know that maybe you did make the right decision after all.

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Dr. Steve Silvestro is a pediatrician, dad, and host of The Child Repair Guide Podcast. You can find him on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, or at www.drstevesilvestro.com.